Worship

YWAM is out of my comfort zone. Like there is so much that just goes against everything I've ever known about Christianity. It doesn't mean that its wrong, it means that its different. Growing up in a conservative Baptist church we didn't have much of the Holy Spirit. Evangelicals like to joke "in the Baptist church it's 'Father, Son, and Holy Bible". After hearing some wild stories about the spirit I ended up at YWAM with an openness to these things I don't know but see in the Bible. So, ironically enough, our speaker the first week made a comment about the diversity in the church, how different sides focus more on different aspects of God. I wanted to share his approach to it because I think it was wise and well said.

"People like to talk about balance, I think that's wrong because balance implies that you need to give up some of one thing to get more of the other. We are called to pursue fullness in God, not balance."

I love what he says about balance and how you have to give up some part of one thing to get balance of the two. We should be fully committed to both Scripture and the Holy Spirit, giving up none of either and being found full of God.

So that's the segway into me talking about another thing that makes me uncomfortable here. We had a very informal worship night tonight. Just a gathering to worship. We had the sound system turned on but no words on a screen for us to follow along to. So, that right there just makes me uncomfortable. I'm a very structured person about certain things, and I get a little weirded out sometimes about things that go drastically different than normal. Now, some of you who know me well are like "how is this possible? you are so easy going and care free." While this is true I do like order, like standing in line, its organized, if we all just rushed the front it would be chaos. So... worshiping... without words to follow along... how will I know what to sing?

Turns out its not that bad. It actually starts to become so authentic and beautiful, you start focusing more on what you're saying rather than simple reading someone else's words. A lot of shorter verses were sung, and a lot of worship songs that most people would know, including an amazing version of "joy down in my heart".

But the other thing that struck me as incredibly weird, and this goes on all the time, not just tonight, was the improv verses. The worship leaders often times just stop singing and people break out into spontaneous praise, just singing what's on their heart, what they want to say to God at that moment. To me its just weird, like what do you mean you just start singing? What if I'm singing something personal to God that I don't want anybody else to know, like weakness or things I'm struggling with? And then I'm thinking, yeah God forbid somebody hears a need of mine that I'm afraid to tell anybody and then prays for me about that. Vulnerability is definitely a short coming of mine and I feel like the Church in general, but that's another topic.

Seriously though yall, this was the most freeing worship I've ever attended. Like I just got rocked, it's so freeing to just praise God. It was so loud in that tent, we sang the chorus of I exalt thee and it was just angelic. If you don't know the song it's just the phrase "I exalt thee, I exalt thee, I exalt thee, Oh Lord" over and over. I think it might actually be a mix of "you are worthy of it all" and "I exalt thee", but anyways it was awesome. The funny thing is that this is literally how I thought worship should be when I was younger, and I didn't realize that until just now as I type this. I used to say "if we're really here to worship God then why do we need somebody else's words?" Oh that we may be like Children in our approach to Heaven.

Tonight, I just had hesitation at the beginning of the worship, so many things that I'm just holding onto, basically its pride. So I updated my prayer requests, just pray that I lose my pride, that I would once again approach God as a child, not relying on my own wisdom, that I would be open to things that make me uncomfortable, that I would just allow myself to be who God wants me to be. It starts with these little things, If I can't accept that there is more than one way to worship then how am I going to begin to hear his voice telling me things that are so much deeper than that.